Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. That's why infertile couples and old people can't legally get married.

Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

Straight marriage, such as Britney Spears' 55-hour, just-for-fun marriage, will be less meaningful.

Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; for example, women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because majority-elected legislatures, and not courts, have historically done such a swell job of protecting the rights of minorities in the past.

Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer life spans.

Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name, are preferable, because separate-but-equal institutions are constitutional.